So, I just had an anniversary of sorts. In the early moments of 20Dec2012, I cleared customs in St. John’s and was enveloped in the arms of a wonderful, sweet lady who was willing to fight for me. Few people in my life have actually demonstrated that willingness as clearly as her staging a sit-in in front of the international arrivals gate. That’s when I knew that I had been right all along. I had come home. Some fourteen hours later I was finally able to walk through the front door and found myself exhausted and hungry but surrounded by two people who desperately wanted me. Not for anything I could give them, or any chore that I could do, they wanted me for me.
Because of these beautiful, loving people, I have spent the last year in discovery. I have reacquired my passion for photography and my fascination with the qualities of light. I have discovered that I have a near savant skill in massage, and my dear ones have been known call me the “Knot Whisperer”. I have also become a rock and roll DJ on the local community radio and thanks to the miracle of the internet, am developing a worldwide fan base. I spent this Christmas season with crochet hook of various sizes in my hands as I created warm and beautiful things for the precious ones who take such excellent care of me.
The best thing about this last year has been the freedom to learn who I am, to finally drop the masks that I have hidden behind in my life and truly be myself. As regular meals became a normal part of my life, and having the weight of being responsible for EVERYTHING was lifted, I learned to breathe. I learned to play without fearing that someone would think me juvenile, and I learned to flirt.
If you asked someone to describe me a year and a half ago, you may have heard “stick in the mud”, “fuddy duddy”, or for those who were trying to be nice, “stressed”, “haunted”, or “lonely”. The ones who were truly honest would have used certain vulgarities to describe me. There were very few people around whom I felt safe enough to drop my defenses and I can only say that I wish they could see me now.
Now, my face sees more smiles and silliness than it does glares and defensiveness. My vocal chords are used more for giggling than growling. I never thought I would see the day when I would giggle, but I find that I have too much happy now and it sneaks out in giggles.
I still have stories in my head, and am jotting them down in folders so that I can explore them later, but right now? For the first time in my life I actually don’t want to hide from my life. I am sure the novelty of it all will wear off and I will get back to my stories, but at the moment I am taking a lesson from my four-legged pack members and living in the moment.
I will try to connect here a little more often. Today I just wanted to celebrate the new me. And see if anybody is even still following this blog.